Thoughts on Dad

Saturday the 18^th of October was a significant day although in practice it was much like any other day in Honiara. A year ago to the day Dad passed away from a brain tumour that took him away from us in a way I can only describe as cruel. I will remember that day forever, when we all said a last final word to dad in order, mum, me and mark. It was our final send off to a guy that had no plans to depart and we had no expectation that of all of us he would be the first to go. The effects of that day have put everything into perspective although sometimes the changes that you believe the death of a loved one will have seem hardly noticeable as we rush about in our day-to-day lives.

What it changes is everything and what it changes is nothing. It changes everything in that I approach every day with Dad in mind. When it comes to dealing with inter personal dynamics I think to myself what would dad do in this situation, how would he deal with it? One of the many things he taught me was that you should treat everyone as an individual and with empathy. The Dalai Lama may say compassion rather than empathy, but the point is the same. Everyone has a personal worth and the smartest thing we can do for the human spirit is to notice it. Occasionally while talking to people they may show disinterest in a conversation in any of a number of ways. It makes me think, what of the small cost we incur for giving our time to others, but what of the significant benefits?

Dad would probably scratch his head in wonderment and would move on with a funny sideways comment. His course always seemed heading forward, looking out for those that need support and those who shined with life, letting those drift away who were destined to orbit in their own universes.

Three memories come to mind when I think about Dads impact on people.

One situation was with a guy named Bill who was slightly impaired mentally. Dad worked with Bill at the Market, a part time job he had outside the fire service. Bill was a long time employee who assisted Dad washing the crates that fruit and vegies came in before they were sent out again. While working at this organisation he supported Bill with guidance and empathy. After Dad finished working at the Market he visiting Bill at his house in Linwood and would often ring him. On a number of occasions he would supply him with clothes and they would also go out for short trips. I distinctly remember the regret that Dad expressed that he had spent more time and supported him more after Bill was pronounced dead, apparently in the bath of a heart attack.

Dad also got involved with teaching fire safety to recent refugees to New Zealand. One thing I remember about this is how it made him think about the differences between us being much less than the similarities binding us together. Its work he enjoyed and I think its work that he would have done a lot more of in time. It was also one of the catalysts that made him read and read about the world around us. The recent development in world media about the Muslim world or another ethnic minority (refugees in Australia) being the root of all evil ones something Dad didn’t buy into. I think he accepted more than anyone that for our current unsustainable economic system to survive, there need to be winners and losers.  There needs to someone always trying to steal our prosperity or who was less than us so we can exploit resources they may have.  He understood this better than most and he understood it to the point that he started to realise that we needed better government around the world and I think his personal contribution to this was voting, which in the end was for both Labour and the Green Party. 

Thirdly was Dads biggest act of compassion and it may have been what eventually lead to his demise. On the 22 February 2011, Dad arrived at the CTV building site after it had collapsed in the earthquakes that hit Christchurch that day. I remember him saying that they arrived and were at the site for one and a half hours before received any support by other fire crews. When he retold the story what was clear was how deeply this event had influenced him. I think more than anything he couldn’t accept that at the end of the day there didn’t appear much support to those who went through those events. He couldn’t understand how he could perform at his best and be questioned about his performance at a coronial enquiry. Every day he had gone to work as a firefighter he had given his all and questions were being asked about his personal integrity, “how could these people think that I had given anything less than my best”? He must have continually asked himself that question.  One day when I went to pick him up from the fire station he exited out the back door looking tired and haggard, the tumour must have already started growing and was taking its toll, but there was another element of self-doubt there as well.

That final heroic gesture was what eventually led to his demise; I believe it was the trigger that set off a chain of events that resulted in his death. He had accumulated toxins through his work that only needed a trigger of stress that ignited a cancerous glioblastoma tumour eventually leading to this magnificent man’s death. What lessons more could have been learnt from him I will never know. But what I have learnt is invaluable and what I can teach to others will be Dads legacy.